No Ladies at Ladies Night

Picture it: Lucky Dog gay bar, last Wednesday...."Ladies" Night Mike and I walk in, smoke in the air, naked hoopties on flat-screen TVs, the sounds of Tegan and Sara and various Lilith Fair artists on the sound system. All this aspires to be a perfect setting for a night of sapphic enchantment. But where, o where, are the ladies? Suddenly we're surrounded, acres and acres of butch after butch, 220 lbs of pure woman, and it's mine...all mine. Oh well, it's still early. Maybe the hot hoopties from the Jay-Z videos are night creatures. For now, cocktails.The bartenders were friends. A hairy bear of a gentleman and a sporty blonde lezzy made up the team of friendly staff. I ordered a standard-issue rum and coke - $3.50 - I tasted coke. Gays aren't rich, you know. Mike had a $5 White Russian that was equally lackluster. It wasn't until I indulged heavily in a $7 Adios Mother Fucker that I even remotely felt buzzed. After that, it went downhill. $40 later, I'm wasted and everyone's pretty. And I don't remember a whole lot which makes it hard to blog. I hope I didn't fondle anyone in the bathroom - but the world will never know. Maybe I'll have to dip my foot in the Ladies Night waters another time for the full experience.

Our only reasonable photo of Leroy, from the Valley Club in Cascade.

The Valley Club in Cascade, Idaho.

Cascade is a delightful little shithole.

Almost perfect for a weekend getaway, the town lacks the most crucial element for fun - bars. Luckily, Jenny and I stumbled upon the single actual bar in Cascade - The Valley Club. A quaint, robin's egg blue building nestled in the center of town, it's the only lounge in the area that's not connected to a restaurant. This place was surprisingly roomy - with plenty of tables, a lengthy bar with spinning stools, a pool table, and what is probably a crowded dance floor on busy Fridays. Jenny and I stumbled our way into this riverside gem on a Monday evening to find it already inhabited by probably ten to twelve locals, which is not a bad turnout for a Monday. We sipped on $2.50 rum and cokes until we indulged in a pitcher of the delicious Fat Tire - for $6.00. By then we were wasted and trying relentlessly to get a picture of a gentleman we'll call Leroy - a haggard, hairy dog-like man sitting two seats down from me. From the looks of him, he probably shows up at the Valley Club nightly, and he is undoubtedly a very interesting drunk - somebody with whom Jenny and I would love to rub elbows. Despite our efforts, we were only able to acquire a crappy photo of Leroy, much to our chagrin. Middle-aged burn-outs tended bar at the Valley Club. Nice ladies actually - probably lived hard lives. Overall, the Valley Club is a relatively cheap watering hole that lost it's fun when Leroy left.

The Life and Times of Drunkards!

Greetings....Welcome to Dumps, Dives and Drunkards, where Jenny and I will be sharing our experiences and thoughts as we make an effort to encounter the dumpiest and most exotic watering holes throughout the great state of Idaho. Bars are pivotal components of our culture and they're here for our exploration and carefree indulgence. The bars Jenny and I love are the feeble and flimsy taverns - the bars with the cheapest drinks and the friendliest bartenders and fucked-up regulars - the pubs where the village idiots instinctively gather and make asinine fools of themselves night after night after night. We like the alehouses with stuffed heads on the wall and homophobic scribblings on the bathroom stalls - the rickety night spots with jukeboxes with actual compact disks....not the digital crap you'll find at night clubs and tranny bars. Dives are where the fun is, especially if you're interested in a cheap buzz and maybe a quick and gentle fondle by a blind drunk.